These came from random comments and my general madness on the Discord.
The first of them is based on the presentation in "Den of Thieves", where the oldest profession was bowlderized as "dancing girls", who might earn more if they knew "exotic dances".
The other two came from recent comments provoking me to adapt it for other, even more dubious purposes.
These have no redeeming qualities and are suitable only for excessive absurdity.
The Wandering Dancer subtable for city encounters. (this is Norker's fault)
Dancer encounters can be with brazen boppers or haughty divas, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a worker only entertaining herself as it pleases her, an elderly choreographer, or even an agent.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the dancer is 30% likely to know valuable information, 15% likely to make something up in order to gain a reward, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a thief. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of dancer encounter takes place:
An expensive ballerina will resemble a gentlewoman, a haughty diva a noblewoman, the other dancers might be mistaken for goodwives, and so forth.
Wandering Furry Subtable for Furry Road (because of Oblivion Seeker)
Furry encounters can be with brazen bullywugs or haughty horsie, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with an olve only entertaining itself as it pleases her, an elderly cosplayer, or even a costumer.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the furry is 30% likely to know valuable information, 15% likely to make something up in order to gain a reward, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a thief. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of dancer encounter takes place:
An expensive ex-normie will resemble a gentlewoman, a haughty horsie a noblewoman, the other furries might be mistaken for goodwives, and so forth.
Wandering Puritan subtable to clean up the city and Furry Road (for Seguilia)
Puritan encounters can be with brazen monk or haughty hierarchs, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a worker only entertaining himself as is pleases him, an aged illuminator, or even a pardoner.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the puritan is 30% likely to know scripture, 15% likely to make something up in order to gain a reward, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a paladin. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of puritan encounter takes place:
Another one inspired by a random comment during a discussion on the Discord.
h/t to Woesinger for the end paragraph and the entries derived from it.
Castle encounters can be with brazen outposts or haughty donjons, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with an inn only providing entertainment as it pleases itself, an elderly ruin, or even an engineer.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the castle is 30% likely to posses valuable loot, 15% likely to offer a reward for mercenaries, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a thieves' guild. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of castle encounter takes place:
Invastion forces can be with brazen hordes or haughty conqueror, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish what counter measures to take. (In fact, the encounter could be with a adventuring party only rampaging as it pleases them, an elderly usurper or even a weapon salesman.) In addition to the usual pillaging and burning, the invaders are 30% likely to know valuable information about how to take out their mastermind, 15% likely to make something up in order to gain a reward, and 20% likely to be, or work with, an assassin who will gack the PCs away from the battlefield. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of bar wench encounter takes place:
Spy encounters can be with brazen information brokers or haughty hit men, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a adventurer only eavesdropping as it pleases her, an elderly spymaster, or even a fixer.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the spy is 30% likely to know valuable information, 15% likely to make something up in order to gain a reward, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a counter-spy. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of spy encounter takes place:
An expensive evidence gatherer will resemble a constable, a haughty hit man a murderhobo, the other servers might be mistaken for goodwives, and so forth.
Disease encounters can be with a brazen boil bearer or a haughty herpes shower thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a adventurer only being uncured of disease as it pleases him, an elderly survivor, or even a plague doctor.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the sufferer is 30% likely to know valuable information about the cure, 15% likely to make something up in order to gain a reward, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a thief selling quack cures. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of plague encounter takes place:
An expensive ebola emitter will resemble a gentleghoul, a haughty herpes shower a noblewoman, the other servers might be mistaken for scrofulant beggars, and so forth.
Strange women distributing alcoholic beverage encounters can be with brazen stoli seller or haughty hard cider hustler, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a adventurer only drinking as it pleases her, an elderly distiller, or even a bootlegger.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the alcohol bearer is 30% likely to know valuable information about the good stuff, 15% likely to make something up in order to gain a reward, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a thief. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of bar wench encounter takes place:
An expensive whiskey wholesaler will resemble a gentlewoman, a haughty hard cider hustler a noblewoman, the other servers might be mistaken for goodwives, and so forth.
The White Claw Miscibility Table
Dice Score Result
01 LIVER DAMAGE! Internal damage is 6-60 h.p., those within a 5” radius take 1-10 h.p. if mixed externally, all in a 10’ radius take 4-24 hit points, no save.
02-03 Lethal alcohol intoxication results, and imbiber is dead; if externally mixed, an intoxicating gas cloud of 10’ diameter results, and all within it must save versus poison or do embarrassing things for 2-8 hours then pass out for
4-16 hours and lost all memory of the events.
04-08 Mild alcohol intoxication which causes nausea and loss of 1 point each of strength and dexterity for 5-20 rounds, no saving throw possible; one White Claw is cancelled, the other is at half proof and duration. (Use random determination for which is cancelled and which is at half proof.)
09-15 Immiscible. Both White Claws totally destroyed, as one cancelled the other.
16-25 Immiscible. One White Claw cancelled, but the other remains normal (random selection).
26-35 Immiscible result which causes both White Claws to be at half normal proof when consumed.
36-90 Miscible. White Claws work normally unless their flavors are contradictory, e.g. lemon and lime, which will simply cancel each other.
91-99 Compatible result which causes one White Claw (randomly
determined) to have 150% normal proof.
00 DISCOVERY! The admixture of the two White Claws has caused a special formula which will cause one of the two White Claws only to function, but its effects will be permanent upon the imbiber. (Note that means you are permanently verschnickered.)
For everyone who signs up with random DMs at conventions.
Wandering DM Table
DM encounters can be with a brazen min-maxer or a haughty rules lawyer, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a player only entertaining himself as is pleases him, an aged grognard, or even a playtester.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the DM is 30% likely to know Word of EGG, 15% likely to house rule in order to screw you over, and 20% likely to be, or work with, the Dice Police. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of DM encounter takes place:
Greyhawk encounters can be with a brazen OSRers or haughty grognards, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each encounter for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a Realmser only entertaining himself as is pleases him, an aged writer, or even an artist.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the DM is 30% likely to know more than you, 15% likely to insist he knows more than you even when he does not, and 20% likely to be, or work with, an ezine distributor. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of Greyhawker encounter takes place:
01-10 Slovenly soda machine user
11-25 Brazen OSRer
26-35 Cheap edition warrior
36-50 Typical gamer
51-65 Saucy heretic
66-75 Wanton setting flamer
76-85 Expensive artist
86-90 Haughty grognard
91-92 Aged author
93-94 Wealthy media personality who also happens to be a gamer
95-98 Sly Realmser
99-00 Rich in spirit long time player
An expensive artist will resemble an ordinary person sitting in an art gallery, a haughty grognard a total jerk, the other Greyhawkers might be mistaken for regular players, but probably not.
Greyhawk campaigns can be with a brazen homebrewers or haughty Gygaxian purists, thus making it difficult for the party to distinguish each campaign for what it is. (In fact, the encounter could be with a Mystara trying to take back the Isle of Dread, an aged GreyTalker, or even a total newb who wants to know why he cannot play an orog who worships the Raven Queen.) In addition to the offering of the usual fare, the campaign is 30% likely to kill you outright, 15% likely to kill you a bit later, and 20% likely to be, or work with, a co-DM who will kill you. You may find it useful to use the sub-table below to see which sort of Greyhawk campaign you are trapped in:
01-10 Slovenly LG module arc
11-25 Brazen homebrew
26-35 Cheap name dropping with no actual background content
36-50 Typical FTA game
51-65 Saucy WG7 campaign
66-75 Wanton beyond the Flanaess campaign
76-85 Expensive original dungeon excerpts bought at auction
86-90 Haughty Gygaxian purist
91-92 Aged folio based campaign
93-94 Wealthy casual gamer game
95-98 Sly cross-setting campaign
99-00 Rich backstory writers who are not heretics but the only truly creative people left developing the setting
An expensive original dungeon excerpts bought at auction will resemble barely legible faded notes that are bragged about more than actually used, a haughty Gygaxian purist a complete jerk who lives in an echo chamber, the other Greyhawkers might be mistaken for regular players until you pay attention to the weird names they use that are definitely not in the core rules.[/i]
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